I lost my wife Patti two years ago today. Unexpectedly the grief hit me much harder as I approached the two-year mark. So, this is very personal. It is about how I have processed pain, love and my grief from losing my wife. I would like to share with you my own feelings due to the pain I have suffered in my life and my own journey to heal. I know how much it can hurt and I am hoping by sharing this with you it may help someone else that has been trying to heal.
I like many, have been through a great deal of pain and it is very normal to blame God for it. But is that right?
The Bible says God is love. Then how can He permit so much pain? My feeling is it relates to the relationship that He established. His partnership with man.
God is spirit. Man has a body to carry out the physical aspects of the tasks He has assigned to man. We have dominion. God provided us guidance and man did not follow His guidance. This allowed all the pain and suffering to enter the world.
Now that man has dominion over a corrupt world the task is harder. God is still trying to shape our direction, but we have to listen. Satan is trying to get us to follow his corrupt practices and many do. So now we see this battle of good versus evil play out as part of man’s role of dominion. All the pain inflicted by man is ultimately related to our failures in fulfilling our role. It is not God’s fault. God tries to shape us spiritually but He has given us free will and accepts our decision.
Love is the key to happiness in life. God asked us to love Him and in turn for us to love each other. Our failure in this area leads to great pain or happiness. He is our example and if we don’t choose another whose heart is being shaped by Him, we will have a harder time finding that perfect love we seek. My wife’s heart was shaped by Him. I made the right choice.
Jesus died for us to teach us about compassion. Look at His face on the Shroud and you see the suffering He endured out of His compassion for us. Because I have such a deep connection to Jesus image, I frequently look at it to draw strength.
I know my heart has been shaped by the suffering I have experienced. I have much greater compassion because of loving others that have died. Losing that loved one truly brings us closer to the compassion of Jesus. That is one of the reasons He permits the pain. To help us grow in love for each other and for Him.
Look at the path you have been on. Has Christ been part of your journey? You need other Christians.
The church is all the body of Christ. The individual brick and mortar church structures that make up the body are imperfect structures just like each of us individually. As we seek to find that church structure that is part of the body of Christ that we choose to join with, we will encounter the same challenges that we do at the individual level.
It is not the brick-and-mortar church structure that I love but the individual human bricks that make it up – the other Christians. That is where I have found love. There is a longing for Christ that brings us together in forming those structures and those individuals are where I have found love and friendship in life.
I know of no better place to look than other Christians in our journey to join Christ. I look at the Shroud and I see His love. I want to share His image with others, but I am unworthy to do so if I don’t hold love in my heart. We will always fall short of sharing His perfect love. However, what a different world it would be if we all tried!
If you have loved greatly, you will feel great pain with the loss of that love. Those that are happy with living by themselves will seem difficult for you to understand. That is because you may have known something that they haven’t (or they are just different since we are all unique). You know what it is to love. You want all that love includes to still be a part of your life. You are not odd because you want it again. You know how wonderful it was. It may never be a part of your life again. I am myself still on the journey of dealing with that loss.
I had breakfast with another man who also lost his wife. We both agreed it was the intimacy that we missed most. Sex is an element of intimacy, but true intimacy is so much more. It is that deep love that develops where you just enjoy always being around each other. Talking and feeling and enjoying the company of your spouse in all you do. He completely understood my feelings. There is nothing wrong with me. I feel the void in my heart from losing my beloved wife. Jesus will help heal my heart over time. There is great comfort in scripture. However, we all need the love and companionship that other people provide. But a word of caution – your emotions can take control and cloud your judgement. You are vulnerable when you are still dealing with grief. Give yourself all the time you need before forming a new intimate relationship.
Cherish your time with friends and don’t wall yourself off. That was one of the secrets my friend shared with me. He kept active while I let my pain take control and did not keep active. Don’t make my mistake. Your pain is making you a different person. Allow yourself to feel the pain but you must also be happy. Laugh, laugh and laugh! This is something I really need to work on! I know it heals the soul. Avoid inundating yourself with negative things that are beyond your control. I have had to do so. You will heal.
However, much pain I have experienced God has been there with me. I am deeply connected to Him. He is my anchor. I let Him impact me and it leads me to other caring people. He does not physically touch me but He shapes my spirit and provides direction to cope with the pain while I am still here. The Bible draws me closer to Him and helps me find the peace I need. But also His face. I always have been brought closer to Him by that great gift of His face on the Shroud. I know God and I love Him. He knows all the pain I have felt and He has been with me on my journey through all those moments of solitude. It is His love which’s sustains me.
If you are on the same journey as me then I pray for God to strengthen you and provide you with comfort. You are being transformed into a more compassionate and loving person. How could you share His love if you have not felt the pain? Forged in the fire of suffering you will become more useable for God’s purpose. May God Bless You.
I recommend www.griefshare.org if you are looking for a resource for finding help in healing from the pain of losing a loved one.